Naruto Blind Dates
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: 44 characters in Naruto, including the Akatsuki, are signed up for blind dates. Who will they get? How will there dates go? Crack and more crack. Some dates go a little screwy.
1. Intro

Hello! Yeah!...Yeah I'm bored and I don't feel like working to the Neji files or Remembering me cuz I'm lazy. And cuz I don't have any new reviews for them so yeah.

**How the dates were chosen:** I gave everyone a number and wrote the numbers on slips of paper. Put them in a hat and pulled two numbers. I swear that I did it and I did not redraw. And it's just freaky how some people ended up together.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto. Right now I'm devising a plan to get some friends in high places to help me raise an army of mutant Hamster bunnies that will concur the world for me...

* * *

The rookie nine, their teachers, team Gai and a few other people were crowed into the Hokage's office.

"Listen up! I'm only going to say this once!" Tsunade yelled. Everyone could smell the alcohol on her breath. "Were all going to participate in a blind date program!" She waved her arms in the air cheerfully.

Everyone in the room gasped. Some fainted. Others (Sakura, Ino) were actually excited about it.

"Um…Hokage-sama." Anko crawled through a few legs to reach the front of the room. "Are you sure about this?"

"Of course I'm sure! The sand siblings are going to do this too!" Tsunade sloppily tossed some papers aside. She was searching for her sake bottle. When she found it she opened it. Took a few drinks then pointed at some papers on the floor.

"Find the one with your name on it. Inside is your instructions and a number. You are not allowed to share your number with anyone. You all are dismissed.

Everyone followed orders. For most. This had to be the worst mission ever.

* * *

Pein glanced (soberly) at the 9 people in front of him. "Listen up you bags of crap. To raise funds for the organization we will be participating in a blind date program. No complaining. Grab the envelope with your name on it. And follow the directions. Inside you will find a number. Do not share this number with anybody. No get out of my sight."

Everyone in the Akatsuki was too stunned to speak. In a daze they followed their leader's orders.

* * *

"Kabuto-kun! You and me are gonna be in a blind date program! Doesn't that sound like fun?" Orochimaru was sitting in his throne like seat. He was giddy. Which creeped Kabuto out just a little.

"Yes Orochimaru-sama. It. Sounds. Like. A. Lot. Of. Fun." It took Kabuto a lot of effort not to make those last words sound sarcastic.

"Ooh I knew that you would agree! Let's go pick out an outfit to wear!"

"Yes Orochimaru-sama"

* * *

Sasuke pointed at a few pieces of paper. Karin and Suigetsu grabbed the one's with their names on it.

"Ooh! Sasuke! A Blind date! I'm soooo in!"

Suigetsu just looked from his paper to Sasuke. The kid had to be on drugs….

* * *

And so the stage is set! The dating begins!


	2. Date 1 Ino and Deidara

Hello

Date #1 Ino and Deidara.

Deidara was waiting outside of an old style Ice-cream parlor. His instructions told him to be here at 7 pm. It was 6:55 pm. He got there early. After he got over the shock he was really excited about this whole blind date thing. He wondered at who his date would be. On the card that told him his number also gave his "date's" number. He glanced around at his surroundings. There were a few other couples here. All of them sharing a huge cone with there date.

"Excuse me…but are you my blind date?"

Deidara turned his head to see the girl. At first he thought that he was looking in a mirror. Until he noticed a few differences. Like for one thing. It was a girl. The ponytail was longer and the bangs covered the other side of her face.

"Um. Yeah." Deidara gave a shy smile. He never expected his date to look so much like him.

Ino thought the same thing about Deidara.

"My name is Ino." Ino couldn't tell if she was annoyed that this guy looked like her or if she liked him a lot, even though they just meet.

"Deidara."

"Um…wanna get an ice cream or something." Ino suggested.

"Um sure…" Deidara

And so Deidara's and Ino's date began. Sadly it didn't end too well. Ino decided that she hated Deidara cuz he looked like a guy version of her and smashed her cone into Deidara's 500 Italian designers Coat. Deidara them proceeded to send explosive clay birds at her. And yadda yadda ya. Things ended with a (big) bang.


	3. Date 2 Neji and Kisame

Hello

Date # 2 Neji and Kisame.

Neji was sitting alone at a (very) expensive restaurant. He wondered blankly about what his date would look like. He was snapped out of his thoughts when a large fish man sat down across from him.

"Oh pie its you." Neji eyed the fish man. Fate could be so cruel with the way it decided how people should look. Of course fate smiled upon him when it came to looking good.

"Well what do you know…it's the brat from a while back. What are you doing here..." He huffed.

"I don't know about you but I'm here for a blind date.

"Wait…I'm here for a blind date…."

"…"

"I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!" They both yelled. There had to be the longest silence in the universe between them.

The date may have started wrong but it ended almost happily. They decided that is wasn't going to be a date but merely a meeting between friends. They fought against each other so that counts as a meeting right? In the end they did become god buddies. They even arranged another "meeting between friends". Yes, things ended quite alright.


	4. Date 3 Karin and Jiraiya

Hello

Date #3 Jiraiya and Karin

Jiraiya was shouting praises to Tsunade. This had to be the best mission that she had ever assigned. He looked around. Looking eagerly for his "blind date" He spotted a red head standing by her self a ways off from him. He was at a dango shop. The place were his slip of paper told him to meet his date at. Jiraiya decided to make the first move. Lame pick up lines were the best for first moves.

"Excused me but dose it hurt?" Jiraiya walked up next to the red head.

"Excuse me?" She hissed.

"When you fell from heaven beautiful." Jiraiya cooed.

"Oh, oh my." Karin clasped her hands to her face. She always was smitten for lame pick up lines. She had about a million of fantasy of Sasuke using them on her. "A-are you my blind date?"

"You bet baby." Jiraiya smiled. Just a little hint of pervertedness leaked through. Though Karin didn't notice.

"Um...wanna get some dango to share?" Karin examined her date. He was just a little too old for her tastes but… he did know some good pick up lines.

So Karin and Jiraiya had a pleasant time. Jiraiya used a few more pickup lines and won Karin's heart. They had a second date the next day. Though Jiraiya ruined the relationship when he arranged for the date to be at the hot spring and peeked at her. Karin was a demon. Jiraiya thanked the heavens that she didn't have Tsunade's super strength.


	5. Date 4 Sasori and Orochimaru

Hello

Date #4 Orochimaru and Sasori

(Author: I would like to apologize to Sasori. I'm really sorry but this but it's how the numbers was drawn. Please don't kill me or turn me into a puppet. .)

Sasori was sitting comfortably on a bench at some park in the grass village. He didn't want to be on this blind date at all. He would have ditched the whole thing if leader hasn't forced him to do this. Sasori just wished that his "date" won't be some annoying whinny wench like Deidara or Tobi. Especially Tobi.

"Kukuku. Is that you Sasori-kun?"

Sasori snapped up. He knew that voice. It was a voice that he had wished with all his might that he would never have to hear again. Slowly he turned his head. Dread filled him. If he was still human he would have broken out into sweat right now. He also would have peed his pants. Well…I guess that's one reason why being a puppet is good. No need to worry about peeing your pants where you are faced with the person that had sexually harassed you for years.

"Oh my friggen pie." Sasori resisted the urge to run. Orochimaru stood just a little too closely behind him.

"Hello to you too Sasori-kun." The snake man grinned.

Well to tell Sasori's blind date of heck in a nut shell. He ran like heck away from a very heartbroken Orochimaru. Sasori didn't care if leader would kill him or torture him later. Anything would be more pleasant than a date with that…that…sexual harasser.

Orochimaru went home and cried a flood of tears. He wished that Kabuto would get back from his date sooner so he could make fun of his glasses so he could feel better.


	6. Date 5 Tenten and Gai

Hello

Date # 5 Tenten and Gai.

Tenten was about to gag. She and Gai were outside of one of Konoha's famous gourmet restaurant. She had just found out that her date was her sensei. She glanced around n embarrassment. Gai was wearing his green spandex suit with a tie and smansy shoes.

"Um...Gai-sensei." Tenten shrunk down in her seat.

"Yes youthful Tenten!"

"Could you…um…I don't know…not stand out so much?"

"But why should I do that! My youthfulness must radiate from my body to make others feel the power of youth!" Gai jumped up from his seat and did the where-in-the-heck-did-that-sunset-and-splashing-water-come-from-all-of-a-sudden-background-no-jutsu.

Tenten cursed her sensei. She was never going to live this down. Never.


	7. Date 6 Asuma and Konan

Hello

Date #6 Asuma and Konan.

"Excuse me but could you please put that cigarette out. It's bothering me." Konan held her hand over her mouth as she flashed her eyes warningly at her blind date. Who was smoking up a storm even though they were in a "no smoking" restaurant.

"Uh… I guess if your sooooooo against it." Asuma ruefully put out his cigarette.

They didn't talk for the rest of the date. Guess that there was no spark… hehehe.. spark…what? Ok that was a really bad pun. I'm sure that not even half of you got it…..


	8. Date 7 Sasuke and Hinata

Hello

Date# 7 Sasuke and Hinata (ugh….how many more dates are there?)

"Hinata" The movie had just ended. Sasuke looked at Hinata. Hinata being Hinata looked away. She cursed her shyness.

"Hinata" Sasuke asked again. His voice was slightly irked.

"Um…y-y-y-yes?" She managed to stutter out.

"You haven't said a single thing since the date started." Of course Sasuke didn't mind. He was actually glad for the silence but Hinata was just a little too silent.

"I-I-I-I'm s-s-sorry."

Sasuke sighed. "Don't be. I was just worried if you lost your voice or something."

_He's worried about me?_ Hinata thought. _I-I-I-I don't know what to say._

Hinata and Sasuke had probably the best date so far. They dated for a few more years and got married and had 22 kids. The Uchiha clan is back baby WHOO!!


	9. Date 8 Sakura and Pein

Hello

Date #8 Sakura and Pein.

"So you're the leader of a famous criminal organization."

"Yep. You're a medic nin trained by Tsunade. I heard that you have actually surpassed her."

"Well….Its nothing really. I just wanted to be of some use. Not some in the way big fatheaded freak."

"I don't think that you're forehead is that big."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

So they talked about random things. They both forgot that they were actually on a date. So there date ended almost normally. At the last few minutes of their date Tobi ran into the restaurant wearing his birthday suite. He shouted some weird phrases like. "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!" and "TOBI WAN'TS A CRACKER!" Oh and lets not forget. "THIS IS SPARTA!" The waiters' immediately tazed him and Tobi left to the ground twitching. After 5 seconds he stopped twitching…and stopped moving.

"Don't touch him! I'm a doctor!" Sakura yelled. She ran to Tobi's unmoving figure.

"Really?" some random person asked.

"Well no but I'm a trained medical shinobi."

"Then get away! This guy needs a doctor!"

"But I can do more for him than a doctor ever could!"

"Get lost you big forehead freak."

Sakura did what any sane, normal person would have done. She slapped that dastard. She slapped him so hard that he was sent flying. Sakura did a victory pose and started to heal Tobi. Well first she got a coat and covered Tobi so she wouldn't have to look at "that" area.

"Tobi is confused. Tobi was on a friendship date with Itachi-san then Tobi remembers black. It's all blank"

Everyone cheered at Sakura and chanted her name. They picked her up and paraded around town. (Some village in Fire country)

Pein was left in the restaurant with Tobi. Who started to cluck like a chicken. The date ended fine for Sakura but…poor Pein was abandoned. He ran home to cry in Konan's lap.


	10. Date 9 Tsunade and Hidan

Hello

Date #9 Tsunade and Hidan.

Not much to say about this except it was at a bar. And Tsunade and Hidan were wasted. Both were on their 20th drink. Tsunade stopped after that. But Hidan kept drinking. He was immortal after all. He could drink every single drop of alcohol in that bar and well…not…die. But Tsunade was dreading the hangover she was going to get the next morning. Hidan completely forgot about hangovers and drank about 50 more bottles of sake. The next day Hidan had the greatest hangover in the history of the world. He broke two world records in one day.


	11. Date 10 Naruto Hanabi

Hello

Date #10 Naruto and Hanabi.

"So you're Hinata's little sister?"

"Yep." Hanabi already knew Naruto. She sister talked about him all the time. She always droned on and on about his ninja way and how he never gives up and all that crap. Hanabi hated Naruto. Until she meet him that is. She watched his golden yellow hair stir slightly in the breeze (they were having a picnic) She looked dreamily into his crystal blue eyes. There rich color sparkling in the sunlight. He was perfect. He would be hers and hers alone. She was not going to share this…this…perfect man with anybody. Not even her sister.

So Hanabi drugged Naruto and carried him (secretly) back to her house. The drug that Hanabi gave Naruto made him temporarily loss his memory. So for 5 hours she implanted into his brain how he loves her and not Hinata. That they were going to get married and have lots of kids.

So when the drug wore off Naruto no longer loved Hinata but loved Hanabi instead. So they got married and had 23 kids. (**Naruto:** HA! I BEAT YOU SASUKE! I HAD 23 KIDS! YOU KONLY HAD 22! **Sasuke:** Dobe.)


	12. Date 11 Anko and Kankuro

Hello

Date # 11 Anko and Kankuro.

"So you like snakes…"

"Yeah…you like dolls?"

"THERE NOT DOLLS! THERE HIGHLY SOPHISTICATED NINJA WEPONS!"

"Yeah, yeah just keep telling you're that."

"…"

"What? You got something to say?"

"…"

"OUT WITH IT BUDDY!"

"You remind me of my sister."

"…"

"…"

"You still play with dolls."

"FDSKJHFODSFLSKDJFLSJFDIOSDHFSL"

Kankuro spontaneously combusted and Anko left to go find a real man to mess around with.


	13. Date 12 Suigetsu and Chiyo

Hello

Date #12 Suigetsu and Chiyo

"So you were on the Suna council. A puppet master and the person that taught Sasori of red sand."

"Yep."

"That's fascinating."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. Unlike a certain Uchiha I respect my elders. (mumble) I don't go plan an invasion on a certain leaf village just to kill two old people. (mumble)"

"I thought that you young people didn't care about we old people and our stories."

"Guess that I'm just an odd ball."

So Suigetsu and Chiyo got along really well. They talked about…old…things. And really, really tall buildings.


	14. Date 13 Gaara and Choji

Hello

Date #13 Choji and Gaara.

"This is odd."

"yeah…" Gaara looked uncomfortably around. He and Choji were sitting at a table on a boat. In the middle of a lake.

"Have we ever talked?"

"Nope…."

"Yeah. I only saw you at the chunnin examines and you didn't leave a very good impression then."

"I was still a little crazy then…"

"I'm just going to order a lot of food."

"You do that."

"Aren't you going to eat?"

"I'm a picky eater."

"Oh I see…"

"…"

"…Are you sure that you don't want any food?"

"I'm sure."

Nothing surprising there….


	15. Date 14 Ayame and Kakuzu

Hello

Date #14 Ayame and Kakuzu.

"So your father owns a ramen shop that you work at."

"…y-y-yes…"

"How much money do you make?"

"..Um…about 23 dollars a day…."

"Dang you're poor."

"….."

"What's the shop net income?"

"About 700 dollars."

"…and you only make 23 dollars a day?"

"Konoha has high renting fees."

"Ah I see…."

"I bet you could make more money doing something else. Bounty hunting pays off big time."

"I don't know how to fight."

(Author: For the sake of humor Kakuzu's next line will be extremely OoC.)

"I'm sure that you could make it as a striper."

"Excuse me!"

"What? With your face and body you could make like over a 100 dollars a night."

"R-really?"

"Yeah."

So Ayame took Kakuzu's advice and became a striper. She is now a millionaire and living the posh life. She meet up with Kakuzu a few moths later and they got married and had three kids. All of them are named after the presidents on the 20, 50, and 100 dollar bills.


	16. Date 15 Shino and Hana

Hello

Date # 15 Shino and Hana.

Shino was leaning against the wall outside of the restaurant where he was supposed to meet his date. He had a good feeling about his date so he bought a bouquet of roses.

"Shino is that you?"

Shino turned to see none other than Kiba's older sister Hana. "Hana-san." Shino was glad that his high collar hid his blush. Ever since he went to a sleepover at Kiba's house he had developed a secret crush on the doggy nin's sister.

"Well whaddayah know. You're my date."

"Yeah…"

"Well let's get inside. It's cold out here. Are those roses?"

Shino glanced at the roses in his hands. "Uh...yes…they are. There for you."

Hana smiled. "I love roses! Thank you Shino-kun!"

'_She called me kun'_ Shino did a very rare thing for him to do. He. Smiled.

Later Shino and Han was just served their dinner. Shino had roast beef and Hana delicately pushed her fort into her lobster. Then all heck broke lose. Hana ate her lobster like a wild animal. Pieces of sea food went flying everywhere. Shino stared on horror. She was a beauty in every category except eating. Shino's crush on Hana ended at that moment. Shino then did the natural thing that you do when the most perfect girl in your world turns sour. You go emo.


	17. Date 16 Kiba and Kabuto

Hello

Date #16 Kiba and Kabuto.

Kiba and Kabuto were sitting quietly at a table at an old time doughnut shop. They hadn't said a single word to each other.

When suddenly Kabuto started singing. "Morning Brain!"

Kiba replied. "Hi, Kate Monster."

"How's life?"

"Disappointing!" Kiba tosses his hands up in frustration. Both of them were singing now.

"What's the matter?"

"The catering company laid me off."

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Kabuto put his hands to his checks.

"Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought "

"What?"

"No, it sounds stupid."

"Aww come on!"

"When I was little I thought I would be..."

"What?"

"A big comedian on late night TV. But now I'm thirty-two. And as you can see. I'm not"

"Nope!"

"Oh Well, It sucks to be me."

"Nooo."

"It sucks to be me."

"No!"

"It sucks to be broke and unemployed and turning thirty-three. It sucks to be me."

"Oh, you think your life sucks?" Kabuto did the oh-no-you-didn't- finger snap.

"I think so." Kiba shrugged.

"Your problems aren't so bad!" Kabuto stood up and patted his hair all girly like. "I'm kinda pretty and pretty damn smart."

"You are." Kiba nodded his head.

"Thanks!" Kabuto smiled girly. "I like romantic things. Like music and art. And as you know I have a gigantic heart!" The sound nin made a heart in the air with his hands. He then slumped down. "So why don't I have A boyfriend? Fck! It sucks to be me!"

"Me too." Kiba nodded his head in agreement."

"It sucks to be me."

"It sucks to be me. It sucks to be Brian..."

"And Kate..."

"To not have a job!"

"To not have a date!"

"It sucks to be…MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

After that Kabuto and Kiba become the best-est of buddies. Yeah for suckish lives!


	18. Date 17 Zetsu and Tayuya

Hello

Date #17 Zetsu and Tayuya.

"Hello. **You look tasty**."

"um…." Tayuya ran and kept running.

"You scared her off. You just had to tell her that she looked tasty. **Well she did**. I don't care. Now what are we supposed to do about our date? **Wanna go find some person to eat?** …ok…"

That was the shortest date….wow…poor Tayuya…..I would have hugged Zetsu. Not dis him by running away from him! (Grabs a chainsaw and whip.) YOU BETTER KEEP RUNNING TAYUYA! CAUSE I'M AFTER YOUR HEAD!!

-Somewhere far off in Mexico-

Tayuya looked up from her margarita. "Is it just me or is there someone after my head? Oh well. They will never think to look for me in Mexico.

-In Switzerland-

"TAYUYA! WHERE ARE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!"


	19. Date 18 Itachi and Tobi

Hello

Date #18 Itachi and Tobi.

"Itachi-san I-"

"Tobi what are the rules again."

"Um…Tobi is not allowed to get within 10 feet of Itachi-san."

"And"

"Tobi is not allowed to move."

"Annnd"

"Tobi is not allowed to talk."

"Good boy."

"TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi started to jump around like a sugar high maniac. He also started to poke Itachi in the side repeatedly. Then he started to run around the room yelling crazy things. So Itachi did the normal thing and Tsukuyomi'ed the orange masked man. Which caused Tobi to go even more mentally unstable and Tobi ran out of the restaurant striping as he went.

Itachi smacked his head. Boy was Kisame going to bug him about this.


	20. Date 19 Kakashi and Rin

Hello

Date #19 Kakashi and Rin.

"It's been a while Kakashi. It seems so long ago that we were on the same team and all."

"Yeah its been a while."

"….Obito… would have liked to have been here."

"Yeah."

"OBITOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Rin broke out crying. The tears flooded from her eyes.

"Rin!" Kakshi had no idea how to cheer up a crying girl. He had no expertise in the area. "Um…everything will be alright?" It was more a question than a statement.

"Oh Kakshi-kun…I miss him soooooo much! Why, why did he have to die? WHY!" Fresh tears let lose.

Basically the whole date was spent on Kakshi trying to cheer up a crying Rin. Who just never seemed to run out of tears.


	21. Date 20 Kurenai and Sai

Hello

Date #20 Kurenai and Sai.

"You an artist?"

"Yes I am." Sai sat calmly in his seat. Kurenai looked more interested in the waiter then him. So Sai turned to his trusty… book! He bought a few books that went over dating. He picked one book in particular.

**A Dating guide for the mentally retarded.**

When on a date you must be charming.

Show your date your good side.

Be pleasant. Buy for some flowers.

Show emotion.

Share your feelings.

Sai did a mental check list in his head. He had done all of that. So he read that next page.

If your date does not seem to be interested in you

Try to engage them in conversation.

Preferably talk about something that the both of you

Have in common.

If you don't have anything in common

Then talk about her interests.

Women like to talk about themselves.

Sai glanced at Kurenai. Was there anything that they had in common? They were both ninja's. And…well that was it.

"Been on any interesting missions?" Sai asked.

"Hmm?" Kurenao looked at the boy. "Um…no… not really…"

Dangit. Sai inwardly swore. He turned to the next page.

If everything mentioned above dose not work

Then this page is your last resort.

Flattery

Flattery may seem like the smart thing to do and done first

But.

Flattery that is not timed right can turn out horrible.

Comment her face. Her hair. Her clothes. Just talk about how

Pretty she is.

Sai didn't know what to say.

When he called Sakura ugly.

He got pounded.

When he called Ino gorgeous.

He got pounded.

Sai was stumped. He burrowed his brow in frustration. When he finally thought of something to say he found that Kurenai was gone. Poof! Disappeared. Sai was emotionally hurt. He left and joined the emo gang Shino started.


	22. Date 21 Temari and Lee

Hello

Date #21 Lee and Temari.

Lee and Temari were at a karaoke hut. Drinking fruit punch by the gallons. They got into contests over everything. Punch drinking. Best singing (which Temari won) and who horse is bigger stuff. They had a blast. Though Temari made it very clear once the date was over that Lee was supposed to forget the whole thing and never talk about it to anybody or she will bring heck upon him.


	23. Date 22 Shikamaru and Kim

Hello

Date #22 (whoo! Last date!) Shikamaru and Kim.

Shikamaru was on a stretcher heading for Konoha hospital.

"I'm sorry! I saw you and wanted revenge! I didn't know that you were my blind date!" Kim tagged behind the stretcher yelling apologies.

Shikamaru sighed. "This is why I hate fighting women. They always hold grudges."

So the rest of the date was spent in the hospital. Kim found out that she actually liked Shikamaru. But when he said that she was too pretty and that he liked Temari better she become the third and last member of Shino's emo gang.

* * *

The End.

* * *

Please review. I'm begging you people. REVIEW!! Oh and if I get at least 50 reviews then I will write a Christmas (under the **Mistletoe) **Blind date special! So if you love this story and want to see a sequel then leave a reveiw. Now. Or you will turn into a bunny hamster mutant.


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